Birthday blues

Today is my birthday.

It’s a been whole year since I had one of them.

I’ve found myself in more reflective state than the usual euphoria of “it’s my birthday, nothing can touch me, no one can harm me”. It could be to do with the effect that being back in therapy is having on me. I’ve managed to begin breaking down the walls of frustration and inertia that I’ve slowly been building up, cemented together by that all-purpose binder, denial.

I found that I’d managed to alienate a great many of my friends. Well, when you begin living a secret life, you automatically become more secretive. Even if in a less than demonstrative manner, you do. If you cannot share with all your close friends that you are having an affair — which I’m currently not, but I was — then you de facto withdraw from them somewhat.

And if you can share it, or think you can, you also need to think twice about whether you should. You will be placing a large amount of pressure upon them by requiring them to keep your secret. And if they know and are friends with your other official half — this could be no small strain. On them, and on your relationship.

Suffice it to say — I’ve lost a lot of friends over the last few years. I blame no one but myself, and I take full responsibility for this. And I’ve also gained a lot of friends in whom I can confide… but when they’re online, it’s not always the same.

I am lucky enough, however, to have retained some wonderful people in my life who know me and understand me, and have no issue with pressure or strain. And they’re all coming over for coffee tonight. And since CH found out about the Muse and I, and our troubles no longer include him — so to speak — it’s ceased to be an issue.

Said friends also know of our troubles, and are an immense comfort to me. That’s why I love them — they are there for me in every sense of the word.

I’m not having an affair currently, mostly because after the Muse and I broke up, I was so heartbroken that I couldn’t envisage giving my heart to anyone else. I still feel that way. I’ve learned that I can care about others, but not in the same way. I won’t lie — I am not inactive in that area. But it’s a physical thing, not emotional. A need I have that I simply cannot get from CH, despite him wanting to give…

But back to the dismantling of the Wall O’Inertia. I reached out to make some new friends. And people responded positively.

That amazed me.

I’ve spent so long being down on myself and worrying and retreating within myself that I began believing that I wasn’t worthy of anyone else’s love. Love of any nature. I was wrong, go figure. I mean I still have fences i need to attempt to mend — the therapist agreed with me that if I try to mend a fence from one side, but the opposing side is not cooperative, then its probably a fence that should stay broken.

It’s plucking up the courage to even try that is the problem.

But I can do it. I’m re-finding my strength.

And you all are the shizzle for helping me. My love to you all from the 39-year-old,



7 Responses to “Birthday blues”

  1. You are still so young and delicious.

    Yours is the age I went through my most difficult life transition.

    Many friends come and go. Some stay and get you through.

    Happy Birthday, sweetie!

  2. Happy, belated, birthday. I was on the road yesterday so didn’t get to any of my blog-slog.

    Upton, “day late”, Ogood

  3. Happy birthday, Minx. Look at how far you’ve come in a year. xxx

  4. J.B. Kochanie Says:

    Happy belated birthday, Minx.

    This year you gave your readers a gift: a very honest and sincere post.

    As for the fences that you want to mend, I think that is laudable. I have met people who have stopped talking to one another for so long, they cannot remember what they were arguing about. But as one therapist said to me, “The secret of having good friendships is knowing when to end them.” So yes, not all fences require mending.

  5. The Gnat's Trumpet Says:

    very very very very belated Happy Birthday. I hope all is well and you have, or find, all the happiness in the world.

  6. The Gnat's Trumpet Says:

    very very very very belated Happy Birthday. I hope all is well and you have, or find, all the happiness in the world.

  7. happy belated birthday!
    i just made a birthday wish for you.

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