9 million bicycles revisited

As some of you may have noticed, but are naturally far too polite and well-bred to have mentioned, when I write from my heart the results are far better. When I write because I’m in pain and the only thing of which I am mentally or physically capable of doing is writing, even more so than usual.

How bizarre that something so painful and yet cathartic can also be so artistically pleasing. Is it inappropriate? Who knows? Hell, who cares? I don’t think so, but you know what? You make up your own mind.

The other night, as I cried and wept and grieved for what might have been with G, I found myself writing a poem in my head. Distraught as I was, I managed to get it together enough to find pen and paper, and I wrote it down. This was how I felt then, that raw, searing pain that forces you to sob and wail aloud as you shiver and shake uncontrollably…

Nine million bicycles run through my head
Silently screaming I sit on my bed
The pain that rips through me cuts deep to my core
For I know that our paths will not cross any more
Alone and distraught as I weep bitter tears
How can I live all the rest of my years
No-one ever *got* me the way that you do
No touch can compare to when I’m touched by you
I don’t understand how I’m meant to go on
And I can’t stand the sound of her singing our song

Anyway, this is just to let you know that I’m healing. Slowly, but surely.

I spoke to G earlier. He’s going through — has gone through, actually, since he’s a bloke and therefore far more pragmatic than I — very, very similar feelings.

He still loves me.

He still thinks of me much of the time.

He and I both know that as an item, we have no future. On this point we are clear.

Despite this, the love between us still exists. And therefore, as “us”, we’ll always be unfinished business. The feelings will always be there, and we will never be out of each others lives, try as we might. Even if we decided to cut all contact, we’d exist in each others hearts and minds so strongly that it would be a completely ineffective and useless decision.

He profusely and contritely apologized for the distancing he put between us over the last few months, and has promised to make amends. I know why he did it, and to be honest, it was partly a help when re-starting things with CH. But from now on, he has assured me that he will no longer distance himself from me.

And he will keep his word. I know he will. I knew that we had to meet as there were events and issues that had been hanging over us for months. Now those are dealt with and out of the way, I can think and see clearly again. I am still committed to getting my marriage back on track, and trying hard to make it work. And with G as my friend — a real friend who cares for me deeply — it will be a lot easier now I know where he and I stand.

It was all a question of getting things back in proportion. I may well write again about G, and my love for him, but the difference now is that our love no longer has the effect on my future that it once did. Which is how it should be.

And if you don’t understand why this post is called 9 million bicycles revisited, go here, and all will be revealed.

It’s our song, you see.

And I’m glad to say that I can now hear that song (or at least, i would hear it, if i had a copy… thud, clang… like the one I was promised… nudge, nudge… yes, i’m talking to you!), despite what my poem above says to the contrary. It still brings a tear to my eye, because such a sentiment is rarely expressed in reality. I can cope with said tear… because the balance has been restored to my life. Which is all any of us can really hope for, don’t you think?

And did I mention that the feeling is mutual? I know in my heart, regardless of how events in either my or his life unfold, that he will always be my true love, my soulmate, and the husband I never had. Although I must now return to concentrate on the husband I do have. Which I am sincerely trying to do.

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That’s a fact,
It’s a thing we can’t deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die…



6 Responses to “9 million bicycles revisited”

  1. Deadly Female Says:

    I love that song and I love your poem xx

  2. *sigh*

    True love like that is so special and it will always be with you…


  3. The Corporal Says:

    This is probably inappropriate, but I though I might cheer you up. Minx baby, I think our song is, “Closer”, by Nine Inch Nails – though, only a couple lines actually describe you and I.

    I think it goes something like; “I Want To Fuck You Like an Animal…” Or, maybe it’s “I Want To Fuck You With an Animal…” Whatever it is; just hang in there babe.

    I may even buy you a bicycle. Not nine million of them, but, just one – made for two. (Well, three – because Mrs. Kickyourass would want to join us.)

  4. Minx… I looked for the song…

    No Dice yet…

    (Flesh trimmed with fur eh? Hmmmm…)

    I didn’t forget you…

  5. Ah yes, much going on right now *consult my blog* I totally forgot. Quickly enough remedied though. 😛

  6. Deadly – thank you, sweetheart. That was very heartening.

    Minerva – you’re so right. That’s the hardest part. Knowing the love, and yet knowing it cannot blossom as love should.

    Corporal, you gorgeous sexy man… you always bring a smile to my face. (IN a good way, though. Honest.) Just thinking of that bicycle gives me goosebumps in all kinds of places..!

    Jeff – you are always so good to me.And yes – not just fur, but leopard skin. Rrrraw.

    Rhoda – what a star you are! The hint wasn’t actually directed at you, but how sweet of you to respond so eagerly and so promptly.

    I love all you guys… not in the same way, but possibly also till I die…


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