The angst is back…

What can I tell you, people? Angst has returned to make yet another impact on my life. What a fucking chutzpah.

I am — slowly, to my distaste — coming to terms with the finality of me and G. Or maybe I should call it the finality of “not-me-and-G-any-more“. ‘Never’ is a very scary word, and an even scarier concept. Being an impatient Minx — and you all know I am — coping with waiting for things to happen is not my strongpoint. So how on earth am I supposed to get past this feeling of irreplaceable loss? Can I ever get past it? Do I really want to?

Truth be told, the part of the equation that I can understand is that G and I will never be the husband and wife that we wanted to be. At least, not to each other. That was a knife-through-the-gut realization, I can tell you. And this was weeks ago, I had just conveniently put the incident out of my mind. I was watching something daft on TV, which involved a wedding ceremony in a Registry Office. All of a sudden, the faces of the actors were transposed with G’s face and mine and I felt a stab of pain in my heart, so intense and fierce that I wondered whether there might actually be something medically wrong.

“That should have been us,” I remember thinking. “That was going to be us. G promising to love and cherish me until death parted us. Me promising to love and cherish G until death parted us. Oy…”

It still hurts, although currently that’s probably because of my recent re-opening of the old wounds. My request for you not to chastise me in my previous post was because of this, really. The fact that I knowingly and intentionally met with G, put myself in a situation where I could have made love with him again — there are those who would judge me for this and call me foolish. And to a certain extent, they might even be right. A part of me even feels that way (that asshole sitting on my shoulder probably put it up to it).

However, the reality is that I lived a significant part of my adult life in denial. And now, when I notice the warning signs that I’m doing it again, I make every effort to nip it in the bud. I knew that since I’d made the decision to try things again with CH, I had blocked G from my mind. It was easier than you’d expect, actually. At the time, I’d been extremely patient (yes, I know! amazing!) and made a huge point of giving him space as he was going through a very tough time, and needed me to not crowd him. I had complied with all instructions and requests, and yet I still got shat upon. To put it mildly, I wasn’t feeling very G-inclined at all. There was CH, trying so hard to prove to me how much he had changed, and how he only wanted to make me happy, and how he in no way wanted our marriage to end. And there was G, ignoring me, making no effort to contact me, leaving me out there on my own with no emotional support (physical support being a physical impossibility). As I said, I’m an impatient person. That means that invariably I will assess the situation in terms of its current make-up more than on an historical basis. At the time, it was easy to make the choice.

I’m not saying that it was the wrong choice to make. On so many levels, it was the correct, moral, logical and sensible choice.

It was just made in haste without me working through the reality.

Which is where you find me now. Post-partum, if you like. I have to rationalize and deal with the broken hopes, dreams and heart with which this situation has left me.

As a good friend said to me, at least how I feel today is the worst I will feel. Tomorrow will be marginally better. And so will the next day, and the day after that. Eventually, she surmised, I’d be able to look back at the love that G and I shared fondly, with only a bittersweet memory.

I have to be honest with you, it will be a very very very long time before that day comes. The way I currently feel, there is more likelihood of peace happening in the Middle East and a cure for AIDS being developed.

Just so you understand the scale of things.

I love him. I ache for him. Every fibre of my being is screaming for him. It’s not that I can’t be with him permanently. It’s that I can’t be with him ever. Both of us are highly aware that if we are in the same vicinity, it’s a very short matter of time before we are in each others arms.

And I just cannot bear the thought that it will never happen again.

I could cope with anything, renew my marriage, raise my children, be the perfect working wife and mother, if I knew that I’d be able to sneak away once in a while for a forbidden cuddle.

But I can’t even have that. Of the two of us the other night, he was the strong one, he was the one who kept reminding me of the boundaries to which we had to stick. I was the Evil, wanton, voluptuous and sexy Minx of old. That Circean creature that I become when i’m with him. Just being with him transforms me, it always has. Where is that creature supposed to live now? Or should i just bury her forever? And would life be worth living without her?

How do I do it, people? How do I gain that level of acceptance? How do I achieve that inner peace? My heart is broken, and part of my soul has died. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I just don’t. Nor how. Nor if i can.

Or should I just succumb to the madness, put my sexy lingerie on my head, stuff two pencils up my nose and say ‘wibble’?

Yes, even amidst all the angst, my sense of humour remains in tact. I use it as a defence mechanism; I always have.

Seriously, though. The night before last, when I was really in the depths of this despair, I sat on my bed and silently screamed with pain. I wailed, I keened, I howled. The sounds were almost animal-like in their intensity. I’m merely attempting to demonstrate to you how low I am.

And I have to go home tomorrow. I have only another 36 hours where I can express my true feelings, and then I have to re-don the mask and shift my focus back onto the reality of my life.

While deep down in the core of my soul, I deal with this damned angst.

As always, your minxxxxxx, but very very depressed.

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6 Responses to “The angst is back…”

  1. Oh Minx –

    I know this ache of which you speak. I had a relationship in the past that I had to leave for my own good, I like being alive more I guess. I think of his sorry ass every damn day. Knowing he’s doing the same thing, only reversed. It’s hard. It will be 5 years on December 8th and it’s gotten gradually easier, but obviously not quickly. I’m haunted by the life I should have been living right now. So with that, here is the only advice I can dispense: be strong, be confident in your choice, and trust yourself. Besides that, much love and good luck.

  2. There is a tremendous strength knowing that one has done the right thing..and although the emotional fallout is huge, and feels bigger, the strength from the right thing stuff will carry you through… If you aren’t together, than no matter what, it isn’t quite right. And knowing that keeps one going knowing that you will find the right person, whether with CH or someone else. It WILL happen….

    And finally, a cliche, but it is the maxim, I think of both your and my lives…

    Better to have loved and lost….

    And in case you didn’t understand any of this emotional gibberish, just know that I ADORE you, and am hugging you right now…

    Minerva

  3. Oh Minx, how I wish I had words of wisdom for you with this right now; bud sadly I find myself embroiled in such a similar situation, it just breaks me inside.

    Just know that I’m thinking of you, and I hope you find your answers.

    Love Jeff

  4. Deadly Female Says:

    Thinking of you too, Minx, I can imagine only too clearly the pain and anguish you are going through. Biggest hugs to you, petal xx

  5. Minxy;

    I think what you’ve expressed shows just how much our lives are lived in the shadow of temptation. Sometimes it is harmless (“Oh, one more truffle-coated chocolate-whip bombe wouldn’t hurt”) and we can lay that particular temptation to rest without too much pain.

    Other times the temptation is much, much bigger and the ramifications of giving in to it are that much bigger too. And the sadness at having to walk away from it is also enormous.

    I’m not trying to minimize your pain – only you can do that. The temptation of a new or different life, one that we think/hope can be lived with more immediacy and enjoyment, fulfilment or happiness, serves only to highlight what we think we don’t already have.

    But look around you again. Remember the friends and family you already have in “this” life, the love and support they bring. Pile it up in a big stack right next to the box called “temptation” and then compare the two.

    Is the gulf between the two as wide as you think? When you say you must “re-don the mask”, how much of *you* is that mask covering?

    Hugs and support to you Minx,

    Lx

  6. *And I have to go home tomorrow. I have only another 36 hours where I can express my true feelings, and then I have to re-don the mask and shift my focus back onto the reality of my life.*

    This spoke to the very core of me. Wow. I have severe anxiety and have been off work for weeks and am due next week… I could not have described how I feel better than you here.

    Thank you.

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