Crushing Captain Paranoia

I cannot be alone in this.

(“In what?”, they shout as one voice.)

The fact that my shoulder has an Occupant.

Actually, the Occupant occupies either shoulder at any given time, dependent merely on whether I’m looking his way.

I’ve mentioned the Occupant before. My wonderful friend 007 commented here something to the effect that if everyone listened to the Occupant of their shoulder, no one would fall in love to begin with. And how right he was, bless him. But how persistent that Occupant is, to be sure.

I have written here often of my need and desire to regain and remain in control of my life. Of the wonder of loving and being loved, and the heartache when such love is unrequited in any way. However, circumstance is a funny and unpredictable thing. And no-one, no, not even LingLing dressed as Madame Zaza, can predict the future. We all have our hopes of what will happen, and our wishes, but there are never any guarantees.

So eventually it all comes down to trust.

And this is where the Occupant enters the picture. The Occupant takes trust and tosses it nonchalantly into the incinerator. And as the trust crumbles and collapses in on itself, so self-confidence deserts, sweet memories fade, and paranoia takes a nice strong hold of me – where once common sense reigned.

When my love is absent from his post, these things happen. When a promised message was unsent, I became a little unstuck. I’m ashamed to admit how I lost my control like this. I should be stronger. I should openly defy the Occupant. But sometimes– it’s just so hard…

Said message was sent, and inner peace was restored. Not because I can’t live without him, just that my faith had been regained. I am still bruised and battered, after all, although the scars have much faded.

I should have had more trust. I should have had more faith. I am working on it, I really am. But Rome wasn’t built in a day.

To close, I once more quote the fablious 007:

“Tell that whispering little fucker to step off your shoulder. And when he does… Crush him under your shoe. You’re above him now. “

Thanks, Mr. Bond. I guess you have a point.

EMxxx

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7 Responses to “Crushing Captain Paranoia”

  1. Yes, crush away Minx!!

    But I would keep some money on LingLing Dressed as Madame Zaza just to be sure…

  2. The Corporal Says:

    He tried Minx. He did.

    He brought doubt, anxiety and hurt, – but you recognized it for what it was, and overcame it.

    It will take awhile to get rid of him, but, you have definitely made a start.

    The more you work a muscle, the stronger it becomes. That little prick will be gone in no time… Just keep exercising.

    Man, you are gonna be ripped!

  3. Minxy, first, great post. I’m struck by one thought tonight – that while the love that finds us may not be perfect, we are lucky that love finds us at all. I can see how hard your current situation is for you, and I, along with my fellow Minxy-minions, wish that you and M will find your way into a future together.

  4. I’m a Minxy minion too! Crush, kill, destroy!
    That shall be our battle-cry. Let slip the minxes of war!

  5. Queen of Ass Says:

    Good god! That’s awesome! CRUSH, Minx! Crush!

  6. you are the emerging minx, there is no room on your shoulder for anyone anymore!

    you go girl!

    ~anne

  7. Wow! I’m speechless… (sigh)

    All I can say is…. You’re an amazing woman Minx. (sigh…sigh)

    Stay true to yourself… Always!

    Love,
    ~Y

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