Control regained

Taking a break from the hilarity that ensued over my last post (you guys all completely crack me up and keep me sane simultaneously), I’m going to talk today about an extra smidgen of closure that I managed to achieve. Because dammit, I’m really pleased about it. *Proud Minx*

My last but one post detailed my insecurities at appearing weak to you, my readers, and, as such, to myself. Being strong is a state of mind, when it concerns love. And I do not kid myself, what Michelle and I had was love. Have. Is. Fuck it. Whatever.

The saying “Love Conquers All” is not true. I wish it was, although if that was the case, this blog wouldn’t exist. There are just too many obstacles for Michelle to overcome for him to be with me. Or at least, that’s the way he feels. A minx with a different perspective could see it very differently. If love conquered all, he wouldn’t have any issues to deal with, or obstacles to overcome, they’d all just melt into nothingness and we’d float away on a pink cloud and make wild passionate love constantly for the next 60 years. (At least. I plan on living until I’m 120. Just to piss everyone off. Hey – it’s an ambition. Ambition is good.)

Since I established that, no, love does not conquer all, I then had to get into icky, sticky realities. Like acceptance of a situation that was not of my own making, and not even slightly to my liking. Like shouldering the responsibility of moving on, and breaking through the inertia. Like making the whole thing palatable to me as a person, and taking charge of my life again.

I find myself at a place in my life where control has been taken from me twice. Once within my marriage, as a long, slow and barely noticeable process the denial of which was long and thorough. And that is now being dealt with – I did not describe myself as a therapy-junkie for nothing. And then, the singularly most significant event of my life so far (with the exception of my children) – the relationship that was my sexual reawakening and my first true love – was taken from me in a thunderbolt of anger and betrayal, leaving me bruised and bleeding and out of control. Both these instances have affected me deeply, and it is control of my life that I desire, need, crave and will regain.

And I mean it. I will regain control. I have already started:

My marriage is being dealt with, with professional guidance, and the outcome will be what the outcome will be, and it will be the best for all concerned – and I include myself, my husband and my children in that estimation.

But it was the eventual outcome of the remains of my relationship with Michelle that were really bothering me. I knew what I should have done. I should have cut off all contact and left it at that. But I couldn’t do it, I just didn’t have the strength. We remained in contact, because I just had to understand why it had finished a. at all and b. the way it did. During the time we have been in contact since, I have come to understand what happened, and how I feel for him, and how he feels for me. I have also managed to regain the correct perspective (with help from wonderful friends). But the help gave me the strength and courage I needed to gain that perspective alone. Which is the key.

Because that’s the thing about life. You can read all the self-help manuals, tip pages in Cosmo, blog-commenters and episodes of Oprah that you want. Until you digest the information and realise what you have to do all by yourself, you ain’t goin’ nowhere, nor doing nuthin’.

And that’s what I did. Digest the information, and come to my own conclusion.

I have decided how our semi-rekindled affair will end, and when. It will be civilized and special – a proper goodbye. The way it always should have been before things got complicated. And after that, we will be friends and nothing more. Cynics among you may say that a friendship after such an intense and passionate love is impossible. I don’t believe this is true. If we saw each other on a regular basis, you might have more of a point. But from afar, we can maintain the kind of separate lives-true care and concern-friendship that we both need from each other. Neither of us feels able to cut the ties that bind us completely. What we had was (or have and is, whatever, fuck it) so special that we know we’ll always know each other. And I’ve never been able to feel that way about anything other than feelings for family.

And today, I told him.

I can feel the difference within my soul. I can feel my strength returning, Samson-like. It feels very good.

And when I told him, he understood. Not just that it had to be this way, but that I’d taken control of what was happening back into my hands. Which, since many of the reasons for the split were the previous status quo, was not just natural, but essential.

And I have control back.

And it feels great.

EM xxx

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20 Responses to “Control regained”

  1. Minerva Says:

    The strength, power and energy is flowing out of you Minx…. That is one HELL of a strong post…

    BRAVO!!

    *standing ovation*

    Phoenix

  2. Powerful post. I could actually feel you breathe throughout that.

    Thank you for stopping by! I am definately linking you! ๐Ÿ™‚ And returning regularly.

  3. LingLing Says:

    Minx, I am so happy for you, and proud of you, and this is why I’m a Minxist…because you’re just so freakin’ cool.
    BIG HUG!!!

  4. Evil Minx Says:

    A minxist?! LOL! Ling you kill me! And thank you for everything – not for nothing did i reference you in this post.

    Jade – I am delighted and honoured to be linked to by you. I love your writing.

    And Phoenix – you are such a wonderful friend, and a tower of strength. I draw inspiration from you in so many ways.

    Evil Minxxxxx

  5. Londinium Says:

    Well done EM….

    but to quote a great man:
    “They say love conquers all
    You can’t start it like a car
    You can’t stop it with a gun.”

  6. Evil Minx Says:

    Londinium:

    Searching for a heart, by Warren Zevon.

    Yes? (Do i get a prize?)

  7. Londinium Says:

    I smell a Google……………

  8. Evil Minx Says:

    *Hands held high*

    You got me…

    EMxxx

  9. Good for you, Minx! Very happy for you here.

    Stay strong and love life. ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. AnonymousBlogger Says:

    Even at the beginning of your post, it was clear that power had been restored to you. You obviously have such a strong grip on the situation. An understanding of the past, and a plan for the future. Congrats.

    (I tried to leave a comment as insightful as your post, but to no avail. Maybe I’ll have more luck next time)

  11. Evil Minx Says:

    You did just fine, AB, that was a very touching comment.

    *blush*

    And DH, my old mucker – about bloody time you stopped by here and commented, it has been way too long. And after all the *effort* i put into commenting on your blog, too. Shame, shame! Mwah! Love ya!

    Evil Minxxxx

  12. Cocaine Jesus Says:

    powerful emotions. painful and bruised but fighting back. great blog. i love londinium’s use of the quote but then agin i guess i would. great stuff.

  13. zazzafooky Says:

    I am very happy for you. It’s always good to be in control of yourself and in touch with your emotions at the same time. Good job ๐Ÿ˜‰

  14. The Corporal Says:

    Well, being of the Minxist Following, I have to say that no matter how much strength you feel that you lost – you were strong enough that none of us would have known. People came to your side because you made it known that you were hurt.

    So, with that said, I do need to add that the bruises fade. Yours are getting fainter by the day. You are much stronger than you think Minx.

    And we love it.

  15. Crazy Like A Fox Says:

    I completely understand what you have been through and your need to gain control of your life. I applaud you and wish you luck.

  16. Evil Minx Says:

    Cocaine Jesus, TJ and Crazy – thank you all for your supportive comments. I love having you guys as regular visitors… keep coming back, it’ll only get better.

    And 007, your comment brought tears to my eyes. It really moved me. Thank you, truly and from the bottom of my heart.

    Minxxxxxx

  17. LingLing Says:

    Minx, just had to tell ya, go by AB’s blog and check out the Lohan post again….you beat me to it on the comments, but we’re terrifyingly thinking alike…
    this minxism is some powerful stuff!

  18. Evil Minx Says:

    LingLing

    It’s obvious to all but us.

    We were separatd at birth.

    Now we just have to find our evil stepmother, and where she’s hiding our fortune, and then call the Hallmark channel…!

    Long lost sis! Come back!

  19. Wendy the Cavewyfe Says:

    I am fairly new to the realm of the Proud Minx, but your post still brought tears to my baby minx eyes. It sounds like you’ve just found your ruby slippers.

    You’re going to be fine. Just fine.

    xx

  20. Evil Minx Says:

    Wyfe… thank you. I’m truly moved.

    Minxxxxxxx

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