"Weak as I am…"

Being an Evil Minx is an awesome responsibility, even a burden at times. Especially when blogging.

You make all these sweeping statements about being strong, moving on with your life and how you can see a light at the end of the tunnel of pain. But are you convincing your readers, or yourself? The lines blurs just a smidge too much for comfort sometimes.

The evil and the minxiness are still there inside me. It’s something fairly new to me, or a rediscovery at the very least. And it’s wonderful, so liberating. A whole new dimension to my personality, my sexuality, my self-awareness. The anonymity afforded me by writing here allowing me complete freedom of expression, and complete truth, and extra strength in dealing with my life. Not a word you have read within this blog is false. Not one.

It’s those damn sweeping statements (see above). When I’m weak and I do something that can be perceived as non-minxworthy, I feel embarrassed – almost ashamed to admit it to myself, and naturally, to all of you. I’m supposed to be emerging on the other side of heartache and humiliation, not submerging myself right back in it all over again.

And yet, you could say that this is exactly what is happening. You know I’m still in contact with Michelle – various references were made here. While I no longer hope for the happy-ever-after that he initially promised me, and am living in the moment, I still love him. I can’t stop loving him any more than I could stop breathing, should I so choose.

He now maintains that his feelings are as they were before TITW, four long weeks ago. Not as they were the day he told me he couldn’t leave his wife. Not as they were a week later when he and I re-established contact (prior to above-referenced post). But complete and total love. As he said it the first time round, when looking me straight in the eye, as we radiated a post-lovemaking glow.

With one minor difference. Now his wife knows I exist. Except, of course, she thinks I don’t any more – as far as he’s concerned. But I do. As you can all see. And I’m not going anywhere, any time soon.

Because, love me though he may, he’s still not able to rise above the difficulties lying between us and any future happiness. Which I understand far better than you might think. Partly because the sacrifices that would have to be made on both our parts are huge. Partly because I know the pain it causes him, to live with the knowledge that despite me loving him with all my heart, that I let my head rule my life, until his circumstances change.

And there’s my weakness – I still can’t stop talking to him, fantasizing with him, letting him tell me that he loves me and letting myself respond in kind.

So my emergence is altered. You must understand that in addition to this whole affair – play on words intended – that the rest of my life is going to hell in a handbasket. A great deal of my Minxiosity is being used to keep me strong as my marriage fails and I struggle to work full-time, look after my kids and do all general everyday functions. And I embrace the inner minx for the strength she gives me with that.

I heard the wonderful Skunk Anansie’s song “Weak” on the radio this morning. I only wish I could live up to their expectations of no tears…

“Weak as I am, no tears for you
Deep as I am, I’m no ones fool
Weak as I am”

But despite all this, despite all appearances to the contrary, I am still Minxy, and still evil. And i won’t let you down. Too much.

EM xxx

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3 Responses to “"Weak as I am…"”

  1. injinuity Says:

    evil eh?… I think you will have a place in our evil empire… for that first you will have to get in touch with Irina she is the evil recruiter.. http://http://sicat222.blogspot.com/

    Jinu Johnson
    http://injinuity.blogspot.com

  2. You must have balance.

  3. I leave you this, Minx, to read when weak; it is both a confesson of weakness and an assertation of enduring strength:

    I, being born a woman, and distressed

    and I know you have both the weakness and the strength, as do we all.

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