Open letter to Michelle (G)

I tried, folks, i really tried. I didn’t want my anger and bitterness to show up on this blog. But I still have so many questions. And this blog is all about helping me emerge, not entirely unscathed, but stronger and happier, on the other side of the hell in which i currently find myself.

I absolutely cannot email *him* again. My pride won’t let me. Plus, if i continue to contact him after the instructions in his cold “Dear John” mail – which was so cold it could have chilled the Sahara by the way – his wife might make trouble for me at work (we work for the same company, in different geographical locations).

So this is an open letter to you “Michelle”, and if you’re out there, i hope you have the guts to respond:

You said you’d phone me today, to explain. i think that’s the very least you could have done. You owe me a huge apology.

I’m fine about you going back to your wife and trying to rebuild your marriage. It’s the right thing for you to have done. i was foolish not to see it as a possibility. It’s the way you executed that decision that makes me so angry and hurts so badly.

What did I ever do to you to deserve this treatment? I accept that she must have been angry too, but do not forget that it was you who initially strayed from her, it was you who propositioned me, and you who kissed me. Yes, i responded, and yes, i more than contributed to its continuation, but i did so in the spirit of us both having marriages that were lacking. You lied about that – to me and to yourself, i think. You’d better not have told her that i seduced you or some such nonsense. That’s just not true.

You’ve hurt me, betrayed me, humiliated me, lied to me and you broke my heart. It feels like you ripped open my chest and stomped all over my heart in hobnailed boots. None of that was necessary. You could have ended things like a human being. I might still have been heartbroken, but at least i wouldn’t have been left feeling quite so terrible.

I’ve expunged everything about you from my life – I deleted everything I had from you on my computer. I tore up your love letter and the photos. The emails (from all accounts) have all been trashed. I threw away the gift. I can’t bear to see anything that reminds me of you. It just rubs more salt into the gaping wound that now exists where once I had a heart.

You might have been infatuated, as opposed to being in love – and readers of EGAM would agree with me when I say I seriously doubt that – but I did believe you truly cared about me, as a friend if nothing else. Where did that go? When did i become the person who deserved the status of persona non grata?

How can you live with yourself? How can you even look yourself in the mirror? I asked you this when we spoke last week? You said you couldn’t. And not even an apology, or something to soften the blow.

I let you into my heart because you begged and pleaded with me to do so. And then you tore yourself out of it leaving a throbbing, bleeding hole. You have hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me. It will be a very long time before i let anyone in again. I hope you can comprehend what you did to me, and how wounded i feel. Especially after everything we shared.
I should never want to hear a word from you again – as i indicated in my email. The truth is that I only want to hear you apologise, and then maybe I can finally get the closure that i so desperately seek.

Yours in deep pain



10 Responses to “Open letter to Michelle (G)”

  1. LingLing Says:

    hi em—
    just came here from my good friend 007’s blog—i’m so sorry! i feel your pain šŸ˜¦

    i hope posting about it will help you–hang in there! Best, LingLing

  2. Evil Minx Says:

    Actually LingLing, it has. He is in the process of responding. When the process is complete, i may put an update up here, or I may just move on with my life and get on with being the Evil Minx. Which is a job in itself and somebody’s got to do it.

    Delighted to have you visit – come back again! Off to visit your blog now…

  3. Pink Candy Says:

    EM, I’ve been there. We all know that the proper way to handle any break-up is through honesty, no matter how brutal. Yet most of us do revert to cowardly written brush-offs rather than face things head-on like adults. I know I’ve done it and am ashamed about it. Time and friends and ice cream and, eventually, new love heal all wounds. Hang in there through the process!

  4. LingLing Says:

    EM, Good, i’m glad to know that this process is helping you! and i’m sure reading your eloquent words will help many others, suffering the same sorts of pain.
    I’ll be back!

  5. LingLing Says:

    and i think pink candy’s right….many people (usually guys??? well, in my experience and that of my friends anyway)–avoid their own emotional pain by breaking things off in a cowardly way. It doesn’t necessarily reflect on how much he may have cared for you, as hard as that may be to believe, and as little comfort as that may be right now.
    it’s just an example of their own emotional fuckwittery.

  6. Damn EM…this really sucks. I’m sorry this is the first I’ve heard about it. My blogging activity (reading and posting) has been far below normal levels lately.

    I hope you find the strength through your words and your friends to bounce back quickly from this. You don’t deserve to be down for any amount of time.

    Wishing you all the best…I’ll update my Blogroll tonight.

  7. Evil Minx Says:

    You guys amaze me with your warmth and affection. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I really do.

    As i said in an earlier comment to LingLing (who i just linked to – what a funky blog!),*he* has responded initially, and has promised a full and open response tomorrow. Either way, I am now well on the way to attaining closure, which is cool. After that, perhaps I can get back to some fantasy writing again. DH, maybe i can raid your brain again without you noticing..!

  8. Long day today at work so I won’t be home to pick up emails but wanted you to know that I am thinking of you…


  9. The Corporal Says:

    It has been quite busy at my blog recently, and I haven’t been able to stop in and check on you.

    Hope things are OK, and that you are feeling even the tiniest bit better.

    I have linked to here from my site – which I had done previously with EGAM.

  10. Evil Minx Says:

    007, you are a very kind man, and your wife is a very lucky woman to have someone so devoted to her.

    As for how I’m feeling – the knife-in-the-gut feeling has subsided, and now I’ve got the overwhelming sadness that follows a break-up. Sadness at the broken promises, at the betrayal of trust, at what-could-have-been. I’m sure that eventually I’ll be able to see a light at the end of this hideous tunnel, and it will get closer and closer until I’m back to being as evil and minxy as once I was.

    *He* is supposed to be sending me his explanation/apology today – with any luck that’ll bring me one step closer to closure and moving on.

    I truly appreciate the support. I do. Underneath the evil minxiosity is a very vulnerable person. Your support, and that of the other bloggers and my non-cyber friends is a huge part of what’s helping me keep it together on the outside (important for my kids and my job) and slowly helping me heal on the inside. Thank you for that, it means a great deal to me. EM xx

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