Like bad pizza
I did not have a peaceful night. I tossed and turned from the wee small hours until i had to get up and get going.
This was as a result of worrying about something that keeps repeating on me like bad pizza.
I am talking about my husband, his control-freak manner and how i deal with it — whcih i hardly need add is not well at all.
10 years of being suppressed and controlled and stifled and suffocated might go a long way to explaining why i have such an acute fear of choking. Metaphorically, i have been choking for years.
Recently, over the last few years, the pressure upon me to succumb and say niothing exploded, and i found myself acting out. I do not aportion responsibility for my actions to anyone but myself, but the catalysts and reasons behind them came not from me.
How i react to him has constantly been ineffective. The articulacy that you see from me in my writings, and for the most part, when i speak, has no effect on him. On the contrary, he calls it “your (my) psychobabble bullshit”. Since these are the only tools i have with which to communicate, i can only understand that he sees me as less than a submissive — as simply part of the furniture.
When we agreed to reconcile in May, i truly believed that he was capable of listening to me, and more to the point, hearing me. That we had communication, borne of many years of being together, was the sole reason that i agreed to stay with him.
Events of the past few months would prove me wrong, sad, and deluded once more.
He simply does not listen to me. My voice is of no consequence. Therefore, to him, I am of no consequence. It happens over and over again, and I stay, deluding myself that it is in everyone’s best interests.
I don’t know how to deal with this. Advice welcome, but for the love of gods, make it constructive.