So, yes, things went a little bit mad here at Minx central, and here follows the promised explanation.
I left you guys just over a month ago with a somewhat explanatory if cryptic notice that I was being stalked IRL. I was not lying, this actually happened, and i can tell you honestly that the stress it put me under caused me to drop 7 kilos in 10 days. Best fuckin’ diet i was ever on, although the side-effects of said stress were most unpleasant and i would not recommend it as an alternative to Atkins or the South Beach diet.
I have thought long and hard about whether i want to go into details of exactly what caused said stalking, and on careful reflection, I’ve decided not to elaborate too much. Basically, I did something I shouldn’t have, and i was caught. When confronted, i ‘fessed up, unable to continue lying anymore, and one of the parties took umbrage at that.
I, on the other hand, believe that (finally) i did the right thing. I ‘fessed up to them, and to CH, and CH took it on the chin and as previously reported, we’re trying to make things work between us. More of that in a minute.
However, the umbrage-taking took a most unpleasant form. Telephonic threats to publish my face, perverted photos purporting to be of me and lewd stories purporting to be about me all over the Internet so that, and I quote: “for the next ten years, any time anyone Googles your name, this will be what they see… you’ll never get another job, your family will be shamed… this will reach back to [my home country] — don’t kid yourself.” SMS’d threats, similar in nature. Screaming, angry and abusive phone calls.
Not fun. Not fun at all.
I accept that in doing the right thing, I’d done wrong by this person. In terms of the bigger picture, were i to have the chance to go back, I think I’d probably do the same thing. I just couldn’t lie anymore. I accept that i was wrong and that i let someone down — but i let other people down more substantially, and I owed them more. CH in particular.
I don’t doubt that on some level, I “deserved” punishment. However, I don’t think anyone deserves to be harassed and threatened in that way. Essentially all I had done was tell the truth. In doing so, I’d leveraged him into taking responsibility for his own actions — including those that involved me and those that had nothing to do with me, but rather a number of other people, all of whom were also sworn to secrecy. Inasmuch as the problems that existed for him, i was far more a symptom than a reason, but he chose to make me the scapegoat, and to terrify the life out of me when things got out of hand.
In short, it was awful. I was edgy, jumpy, nervous and brittle for weeks. I am only now settling down to my previous Minxiosity.
And even that is tempered with the changes that I have made to my lifestyle. CH now knows everything that went before. Everything. We talked for a very long time after i confessed all, and to his enormous credit, he took his share of responsibility. He realises that while nothing excuses my behaviour to him in terms of my infidelity, that the problems between us came from a much deeper source, and that we needed to work together on every level in order to make things work.
The bottom line is that he still loves me. A lot. Go figure. And also, when push came to shove and i could have ended things once and for all — i just couldn’t do it. My much-vaunted procrastination obviously had deeper roots than I’d thought, ones that reached further than the more practical considerations. On some level, i must still love him, because when i had the opportunity to walk away — I couldn’t do it.
So we’re trying again. This time with 100% honesty. It was at his request that i closed down the other place. Not demand, request. I told him that in future, I’d like to be able to show him the erotica I wrote; even write some for him or inspired by him.
I’m not labouring under any illusions that this will happen immediately. Baby steps… at first, anyway. The most significant and important thing is that we are finally communicating. If we can do that, then there’s real hope that we can make this work and be happy together. The rush and passion of the love i had for G and for The Muse may not be present in what CH and i have, but there’s something deeper, something that encompasses the years we’ve been together, the shared experiences and everything we have, not least our children. I at least owe it to them to give 100% of me to making my situation work. If after a while we find that we really can’t make it work, then it will not be through lack of us both trying.
And that’s what really matters.
I accept fully my responsibility in events leading to the problems that we had, particularly over the last three years or so. [And, yes! We missed the Minxy bloggerversary. I propose that we have a delayed celebration in a week or so, with champagne and salmon caviar. Yes?] That said, I also accept that it was a two-sided affair, so to speak, and that there was plenty of blame on both sides. Infidelity does not end a marriage… don’t kid yourselves. It merely indicates the presence of far more serious issues that need to be dealt with and solved.
I do not condone it nor do i condemn it.
So, again somewhat cryptically, now you have the [parts that I am willing to reveal of the] whole story. And I’m back.
Show me some lurve?